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Post by hyke on Aug 8, 2008 16:51:22 GMT -5
Venting? can't even do that.
My SO is on the brink of a meltdown for days/weeks now (with a few breaks). Sobbing and crying a lot. Not able to bear a sound form us. No stirring tea, no giggles, nothing. Almost every sound makes him yell. He's away a lot, biking, so he won't bother us. But the girls are tense because of it. As am I. So they have their explosions. And I, I'm dissociating. Becoming distant more and more, because I cannot afford a meltdown. I haven't even got the guts to cry, because there is no time and place to do it. If I start I don't know if it will stop. And someone has to keep the family going. And that someone is me.
On top of that I have to write a reaction on a report about me that is rubbish. The girls are bored and obnoxious. SO does not do much at home, no cooking meals (we use to cook in turns). Money is really low. (change in how we're getting paid, from weekly to monthly, so now we have to manage the first four weeks on a one week payment).
Summer holiday has been very hard this year. No money to go away for a day or so. (Except to my parents). Kids did not want to stay over at my parents for more than two nights without me. I've not had more than a few hours on my own. Mostly in the night, when everyone was asleep. I've been at my parents with the kids two times so SO had some time for himself. Usually he'd go out with the kids for a few hours or so. But he wasn't up to that. And doing something nice with the kids in the house just did not work.
So in a way I'm glad school starts again on monday. I'll have some hours to myself then. But I hate it too. I so much wanted to do something nice and special this summer. And it did not happen.
I'm dissociating more and more. That's how I cope. But I know I can not go on doing that.
In real life I can only tell my middle brother about this. Others would not understand and start judging.
I have problems telling about my problems. Especially when it has to do with my love. It feels wrong. Yet I need to. I need to tell that I feel like crap. That I don't know how I will cope tomorrow. And that I don't even know if he'll be alive next week.
Sending him to see a docter would be logical. But his last experiences with psychologists have been devastating. So even suggesting it is not an option.
So devastation and dissociation. I've been there too often and too long. I don't know if and how I'll manage this time.
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K
Queen Bitch 
Posts: 328
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Post by K on Aug 8, 2008 17:31:56 GMT -5
Oh my goodness. I am so sorry! Things must be bad in the stars right now or something.
We also have a monthly paycheck from Mr. Korrigan. I thank goodness for my bi-weekly paychecks otherwise we would have a much harder time.
I understand how you are feeling, having to hold it all together. When the things were really bad with my daughter, I actually thought I may need to go away alone to my parent's house for a few days. I could not even do that, but it felt like I may need to.
I did cry. I lost it. I cried in the shower, got out, and cried some more. I wanted to stay in bed. Mr. Korrigan brought himself and Little Korrigan into the bedroom and we eventually talked me down from hysterics.
I have never had to do that. I have always kept it together, since I was a child. And I feel the same. I am separating from them. Separating from everything. So that the pain is not so much.
I also get up in the middle of the night, or stay up later than they do, so that I can get some peace. I watch cooking shows, I find a silly romantic movie. I eat ice cream.
I wish that I was not so far away so I could help.
Love and Hugs!
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Post by hyke on Aug 9, 2008 2:04:38 GMT -5
Screaming into the storm with you would be great.
Howling and crying.
Ice cream and cappucino after that.
** big hugs to you too **
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Post by schlomitsmile on Aug 9, 2008 12:10:28 GMT -5
Oh dear!
I know too well what you are going through...
Melt downs are regular unwelcomed guests in our home too.
Last summer it was not only a melt-down.
he went wild, distroyed the kitchen, in the children's presence.
I don't know if knowing you are not alone there, comforts you a bit, or if a virtual hug does, but if so, I send you a big and warm hug!!
What i'll write now, might seem hursh, but it's not meant so.
We must set our priorities.
First priority to me ( i'm sure to you as well) are the children.
If my dear husband, whome I love with all my soul, would have refused to go to therapy ( daily visits to a psychiatric day center), I would have to ask him to leave home.
Exposing my children to a father that damdges them, was something I just could'nt take any longer.
I think he might have realized it, without me having to say it.
Thanks to the help he and we are still getting, this summer is ok.
I understand your husband is afraid of doctors because of bad expirience.
Maybe you could look for recommendations from people he trusts, and call only a recommended doctor or unit?
In any case, it will not help him, if he will take you and the kids down with him.
If he refuses any help, I believe you need to focus on saving the kids and yourself (and I know how hard it is, on a time like this, to focus on anything...)
take care
big hug
shlomit
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Post by DocMartin on Aug 9, 2008 12:30:15 GMT -5
In addition to what shlomit said, I want to tell you, that a year before the great breakdown I was in a very similar situation.
I was sad, crying a lot, fleeing home etc.
stayed at home from work for a long time but not getting proper profrssional help. The first medication allmost killed me, and after that of course I didn't want to hear about meds any more for a long while.
It took a long time untill I found for myself a med, and a doctor to subsribe it. But his follow up was poor.
A year later we had that great breakdown.
It allways comes in summer.
I think it's a combination of the heat and the pressure at work which also increases during the summer.
And the feeling, that I work like a dog (leave home at 6 and come back at 6) and I can't pay for the smallest holyday trip in summer.
I didn't see my family for years.
All our computers and TV are from the garbage.
Most of the furniture too.
The people I work with allways bring me bags of worn clothes, for the children and for me.
I'll stop now, before it gets me into the next meltdown.
Hugs to the three ladies, korrigan, hyke and of course Shlomit.
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Post by DocMartin on Aug 9, 2008 12:33:16 GMT -5
Did you see the ad?
"Save money on ventilators"
LMFFAO
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Post by earthmonkey on Aug 9, 2008 14:32:49 GMT -5
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Post by hyke on Aug 9, 2008 16:36:59 GMT -5
EM thanks for the links.
Schlomitsmile, Thanks for your reply. It's not a harsh post. It's what we both know. My husband goes out of the house when too explosive, or withdraws himself in another way from the family. That's the best we can do for now.
And, for the health and love for both of us we have decided to split up. It now is a matter of time and planning for both of us to get the divorce through and good housing aranged.
The last can take a while. It's not that we don't love eachother, but our house isn't big enough for us. We have no separate space to call our own. And we both really need that. Our kids have it. And they could not do without either I think. And we found out last years that just a bigger house won't be enough. We need some distance. Are far too close. And during hard times that is a big problem.
The idea of divorce gives a lot of peace. But the practical stuff is stressful. It is all so slow. I've been asking for help with paperwork for one and a half year now. If things are OK I will get structural effective help this month. We need to find different places to live. Because school is good I want to stay in this village for two years. And he will try to move out to a city nearby. I want to go there too when our eldest has finished school here.
Then there's money items, and work issues. And for him acception of being wired different too.
Getting a house in the place we want to go to may take a while. We're going to try to speed things up with the aid of the lawyer and the person helping us out in paperwork.
But all this brings a lot of stress. And our oldest is heading for puberty, and getting used to having a DX. Our youngest finally, finally is sent to specialists for bowel problems she has had for over three years. So tension is high.
In the beginning of holidays it was my turn to be overstressed. My dad was brought to hospital in the middle of the night with heartproblems. My facial nerves caused hellish pains for two weeks, made me literally shriek, and I have huge paintolerance.
So he took over the first few weeks. And the last few weeks were too much for him. It is not all as bleak as in the OP. But living apart is going to make a big difference. We want to be fairly close. Both for the girls as for ourselves. He is my best friend and lover. He is the dad of my girls. He's been longer with me than anyone. And we've been through a lot. Not experiencing and reacting on eachothers tension on a daily basis will be good. I'll miss him extremely I think, but I am looking forward too.
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Post by hyke on Aug 9, 2008 16:38:25 GMT -5
Doc my ad is about perfume, vent vert. Would they know it has cooled down a lot here last night and day.
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Post by Woman From Mars on Aug 9, 2008 17:03:08 GMT -5
EM thanks for the links. Schlomitsmile, Thanks for your reply. It's not a harsh post. It's what we both know. My husband goes out of the house when too explosive, or withdraws himself in another way from the family. That's the best we can do for now. And, for the health and love for both of us we have decided to split up. It now is a matter of time and planning for both of us to get the divorce through and good housing aranged. The last can take a while. It's not that we don't love eachother, but our house isn't big enough for us. We have no separate space to call our own. And we both really need that. Our kids have it. And they could not do without either I think. And we found out last years that just a bigger house won't be enough. We need some distance. Are far too close. And during hard times that is a big problem. The idea of divorce gives a lot of peace. But the practical stuff is stressful. It is all so slow. I've been asking for help with paperwork for one and a half year now. If things are OK I will get structural effective help this month. We need to find different places to live. Because school is good I want to stay in this village for two years. And he will try to move out to a city nearby. I want to go there too when our eldest has finished school here. Then there's money items, and work issues. And for him acception of being wired different too. Getting a house in the place we want to go to may take a while. We're going to try to speed things up with the aid of the lawyer and the person helping us out in paperwork. But all this brings a lot of stress. And our oldest is heading for puberty, and getting used to having a DX. Our youngest finally, finally is sent to specialists for bowel problems she has had for over three years. So tension is high. In the beginning of holidays it was my turn to be overstressed. My dad was brought to hospital in the middle of the night with heartproblems. My facial nerves caused hellish pains for two weeks, made me literally shriek, and I have huge paintolerance. So he took over the first few weeks. And the last few weeks were too much for him. It is not all as bleak as in the OP. But living apart is going to make a big difference. We want to be fairly close. Both for the girls as for ourselves. He is my best friend and lover. He is the dad of my girls. He's been longer with me than anyone. And we've been through a lot. Not experiencing and reacting on eachothers tension on a daily basis will be good. I'll miss him extremely I think, but I am looking forward too. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, I hope that your plans for the future will work out for all of you & that the paperwork gets speeded up to help you. ABIG HUG |
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Post by hyke on Aug 9, 2008 17:10:24 GMT -5
Thanks WfM.
Love your hug.
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Post by UrsusMaximus on Aug 10, 2008 0:55:53 GMT -5
Heartbreaking to read this. Hyke, you're such an extraordinary person, the world should just rain down happiness for you, but that's not how life is working right now.
Cyber hugs and love and great, great respect for you.
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Post by mahler5 on Aug 10, 2008 3:28:14 GMT -5
Hyke, I am thinking about you and can relate so much to the stress you are living with right now. I hope that all things will be much better for you and your family very soon!!
Much respect and *HUGS* for you
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Post by rossco on Aug 10, 2008 7:05:37 GMT -5
EM thanks for the links. Schlomitsmile, Thanks for your reply. It's not a harsh post. It's what we both know. My husband goes out of the house when too explosive, or withdraws himself in another way from the family. That's the best we can do for now. And, for the health and love for both of us we have decided to split up. It now is a matter of time and planning for both of us to get the divorce through and good housing aranged. The last can take a while. It's not that we don't love eachother, but our house isn't big enough for us. We have no separate space to call our own. And we both really need that. Our kids have it. And they could not do without either I think. And we found out last years that just a bigger house won't be enough. We need some distance. Are far too close. And during hard times that is a big problem. The idea of divorce gives a lot of peace. But the practical stuff is stressful. It is all so slow. I've been asking for help with paperwork for one and a half year now. If things are OK I will get structural effective help this month. We need to find different places to live. Because school is good I want to stay in this village for two years. And he will try to move out to a city nearby. I want to go there too when our eldest has finished school here. Then there's money items, and work issues. And for him acception of being wired different too. Getting a house in the place we want to go to may take a while. We're going to try to speed things up with the aid of the lawyer and the person helping us out in paperwork. But all this brings a lot of stress. And our oldest is heading for puberty, and getting used to having a DX. Our youngest finally, finally is sent to specialists for bowel problems she has had for over three years. So tension is high. In the beginning of holidays it was my turn to be overstressed. My dad was brought to hospital in the middle of the night with heartproblems. My facial nerves caused hellish pains for two weeks, made me literally shriek, and I have huge paintolerance. So he took over the first few weeks. And the last few weeks were too much for him. It is not all as bleak as in the OP. But living apart is going to make a big difference. We want to be fairly close. Both for the girls as for ourselves. He is my best friend and lover. He is the dad of my girls. He's been longer with me than anyone. And we've been through a lot. Not experiencing and reacting on eachothers tension on a daily basis will be good. I'll miss him extremely I think, but I am looking forward too. O mate. I don't know what to say. Hug if you need them and my Pm inbox is always open to you. |
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Post by hyke on Aug 10, 2008 16:12:45 GMT -5
Oh, you did make me cry with your loving posts and hugs. And that felt good. I'm very happy to know you all. For me you are HOME.
It's been better today and yesterday evening. I was completely drained by a visitor yesterday and my husband did notice clearly when he came back. So he made sure I had some time on my own and an ear to vent to later. If needed one of us can pull the other through.
And today was quite ok. I slept in and SO gave the girls the collection of wooden doodles he had found again in the attick. Few small panic attacks from kids because of wasps. And the girls are a bit stressful of going to school again tomorrow. My husband has found someone to vent to and to discuss with.
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